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15 March 2006 @ 04:41 pm
Jerry! Jerry!  
The Jerry Springer Show : Episode 627 : "Marriage Meltdown!"

[The crowd starts chanting "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"]

Jerry: Tonight on "The Jerry Springer Show" we have a particularly interesting episode! Natalie is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend, Katherine. So everyone, please put your hands together for Natalie!

[The crowd whoops and hollers]

Jerry: Okay, now Natalie you're here to talk about someone aren't you?

You: Yes.

Jerry: And what is this other person's name?

You: Nick.

[The crowd squeals with delight]

Jerry: Okay, okay, well Nick, is actually here tonight ...

[The crowd squeals]

Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you Natalie, because as it happens there is someone else here to see you! So let's bring out ... Kerry!

You: What the HELL!!!

[Out of nowhere you pull out a bread knife. Kerry reaches for the sofa. Out of the shadows Mark appears]

Mark: Wait everybody, wait!

Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First, tell us why you're here Kerry.

Kerry: Because I saw Natalie and Mark making out at Bargain Booze!

[The crowd goes absolutely insane]

Mark: That's a lie! I was home watching Bad Girls!

Jerry: [raising his hands] Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here ... what exactly is the problem Kerry?

Kerry: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with Katherine who has recently become engaged to Mark.

[The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement]

Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring Katherine out here because Natalie had something that they needed to tell them anyway about ... Nick that's right!

Katherine: [enters onto stage and saunters over towards you] What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with Nick! You know how I feel about Nick!

Mark: [screams] What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with Nick!

Katherine: Because I knew that I could never have Nick. But Natalie promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings!

Mark: What about respect for my feelings!

[Kerry walks suddenly across the stage, embracing Katherine]

Kerry: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me.

[Again the crowd squeals]

Mark: Oh my God! Are you sick!?

[Mark runs across the room and wraps their arms around you tightly]

Mark: Natalie take me away from all of this!

You: You see? That's the thing ... I'm ... well, I'm married ...

[The crowd does its bit]

Mark: Married?

[You nod]

Mark: Who the hell are you married to? When .. when did this happen? I don't understand!

You: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to Nick.

Katherine: [screaming] WHAT!!!

Jerry: [grinning widely, makes an enquiry] So ... did you have a nice wedding night?

Nick: [stepping back out onto center stage] Well we had sex 9 times if that's what you mean.

[The crowd squeals]

Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight .. Natalie is married to Nick who Katherine has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now Katherine has recently become engaged to Mark who was recently spotted kissing Natalie in Bargain Booze. Now on top of this, Kerry has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with Katherine.

Nick: That's right Jerry.

Jerry: [looking sternly into the camera] It's times like these that one has to wonder whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks - it's been great - but for now, take care of yourselves ... and each other.

[Cue cheesy background music and fade to black]


Hmmm... this is here in place of or to supplement this Ashtray Road fan fiction that may or may not appear. Most likely may not. Hope not!
blindscouseblindscouse on March 15th, 2006 05:11 pm (UTC)
"clinically insane" is right. What the hell are you on about, girl? In fact, what the hell are you on?


Fan fic is bad enough. Fan fic about the members of Ashtray Road? Perish the thought.

Natmadjackal2k on March 15th, 2006 06:56 pm (UTC)
Oh come on, you don't think I did that all by myself did you?
blindscouseblindscouse on March 15th, 2006 10:05 pm (UTC)
I did actually, at first. How naive of me.
maverickmitchel on March 16th, 2006 12:47 pm (UTC)
forthwritten: exterminateforthwritten on March 17th, 2006 01:18 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I feel like crying too!