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12 July 2006 @ 10:49 pm
Nick: [trying to open a steamfresh veg pack] Die scurvy veg!
Kat: Er, Nick? Veg is the opposite of scurvy.
Nick: Oh. Yeah. But pirates LIKE scurvy!

Nick: It's coddock! WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?


Kat: Apparently my references will be 'glowing'. I hope that means they're going to attach LEDs to them.
Jen: Actually, I thought that was a term posh ladies use when they want to say they're sweaty.
Kat: :(

later, in the car

Jen: Am I sweating? I feel sweaty.
Kat: Nah...you're just glowing.
05 July 2006 @ 07:58 pm
Cyberman: You will perish under MAXIMUM DELETION.
Nick: What does that involve? Dancing on their grave?
Kat: Dunno.
Nick: Raping them to death?
Kat: Yes, with my electronic cyber cock. [Ricky Martin style hip thrusts and cyberman voice] delete delete delete.
Nick: Do they still have that electric effect?
Kat: No, I think they toned it down to a pleasant vibration.

Oh my God, I don't want my eyes/ears/brain! Nick wants to be signed up for the upgrade.
28 March 2006 @ 01:30 am
Nick, Katherine and I played Therapy tonight. I won of course. Clearly I was going to be the best at Therapy. There were many high points of the evening, mostly all related to bdsm-esque humour.

Kat: So tell me, Natalie, if an attractive stranger made eyes at you across a room would you:
a) take them by the hand and pull them into the nearest bedroom
b) take them by the hand and do them in the kitchen
c) stab them

Kat: So tell me Nick, which player would be most likely to enjoy being strapped to a bed and tickled with a riding crop?

And so the hilarity ensued. I still won though. I whipped their asses...with a riding crop!
18 March 2006 @ 12:49 am
I like the updated interests page folks. It had me laughing for a good 4 seconds. Which is a long time if you think about it.

If we can spend so much time pissing about why can't we spend any time getting work done? Huh? Huh? Actually maybe it's just me. Yeah, it probably is.

Anyway, yeah, miss you all, you weirdos. xxxxx
17 March 2006 @ 01:17 pm
#I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts
There they are all standing in a row
Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head
Give them a twist a flick of the wrist
That’s what the showman said
I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts
Every ball you throw will make me rich
There stands my wife, the idol of me life
Singing roll a bowl a ball a penny a pitch
Roll a bowl a ball a penny a pitch
Roll a bowl a ball a penny a pitch
Roll a bowl a ball, roll a bowl a ball
Singing roll a bowl a ball a penny a pitch#
17 March 2006 @ 01:11 pm
Katherine, Your Soap Smells
Music by Me
Lyrics by Kat and Me

Katherine, your soap smells, it will do forever
At least it's not Imperial Leather
Still, Lush as a concept is quite intense
And to me it doesnt make any sense
Kat, your soap smells, and it will do forever

Your rug's crap, Nick, it's shedding all over
There's fluff in Kat's bed, and it blocked up the hoover
The carpet in the lounge was blue
And now it's kind of purple, it's true
Your rug's crap, Nick, and I found some in Preston

Oh it's great to live near Penny Lane
The nurses sniffing from the drain
With the tourists outside D&R
Oh D&R, and Carnibar!
Oh it's fun to live near Lennon's school
How I love living in Liverpool
Yes I do
I can't stand this house
But I can't be arsed to move out!

By Kat's dressing gown, Em is inspired
But it ain't been washed since Winston expired
Still it makes her a potential muse
For some reason, we're rather confused
By Kat's dressing gown, but Em is inspired

Kerry, I find your new accent arousing
That's why I need to find alternative housing
I'm concerned I might be falling in lurrrrve
With the Scouse accent, kind of makes me a perv
I'm finding that accent far too arousing!

Oh it's great to live near Bargain Booze
The Dovey, Giorgios and Schmooze
With the high pitched wails of girls in cars
And in houses, screaming "Where's me bra?"
Oh it's fun to play Singstar all night
And forget how much wine is all right
Yes it is
I can't stand this house
But I can't be arsed to move out!

Can't mention us without mentioning Deborah
She don't live here no more, but her pants still feature
And Katherine wears her coat a lot
We checked it for coke, we didn't even find pot
So we're having to make do with Taboo and souma

Mark, this pyromania's rather upsetting
Concerned about these fires you have been setting
One day we might come home to find
No more slugs, no more trails of slime
Actually Mark, go ahead, it might be the best thing

Yep it's great to live in Ashtray Road
There's no tramps or dealers, none of those
But the students have hurt the people here
With their sheer existence for 15 years
Coz it's FUN to watch Bad Girls all day
But we never study, we just play
(Well I don't study, I just play)
And I can't stand this house
But I can't be arsed to move out...

...without Katherine

Kat, when are we moving???
15 March 2006 @ 04:41 pm
The Jerry Springer Show : Episode 627 : "Marriage Meltdown!"

[The crowd starts chanting "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"]

Jerry: Tonight on "The Jerry Springer Show" we have a particularly interesting episode! Natalie is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend, Katherine. So everyone, please put your hands together for Natalie!

[The crowd whoops and hollers]

Jerry: Okay, now Natalie you're here to talk about someone aren't you?

You: Yes.

Jerry: And what is this other person's name?

You: Nick.

[The crowd squeals with delight]

Jerry: Okay, okay, well Nick, is actually here tonight ...

[The crowd squeals]

Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you Natalie, because as it happens there is someone else here to see you! So let's bring out ... Kerry!

You: What the HELL!!!

[Out of nowhere you pull out a bread knife. Kerry reaches for the sofa. Out of the shadows Mark appears]

Mark: Wait everybody, wait!

Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First, tell us why you're here Kerry.

Kerry: Because I saw Natalie and Mark making out at Bargain Booze!

[The crowd goes absolutely insane]

Mark: That's a lie! I was home watching Bad Girls!

Jerry: [raising his hands] Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here ... what exactly is the problem Kerry?

Kerry: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with Katherine who has recently become engaged to Mark.

[The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement]

Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring Katherine out here because Natalie had something that they needed to tell them anyway about ... Nick that's right!

Katherine: [enters onto stage and saunters over towards you] What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with Nick! You know how I feel about Nick!

Mark: [screams] What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with Nick!

Katherine: Because I knew that I could never have Nick. But Natalie promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings!

Mark: What about respect for my feelings!

[Kerry walks suddenly across the stage, embracing Katherine]

Kerry: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me.

[Again the crowd squeals]

Mark: Oh my God! Are you sick!?

[Mark runs across the room and wraps their arms around you tightly]

Mark: Natalie take me away from all of this!

You: You see? That's the thing ... I'm ... well, I'm married ...

[The crowd does its bit]

Mark: Married?

[You nod]

Mark: Who the hell are you married to? When .. when did this happen? I don't understand!

You: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to Nick.

Katherine: [screaming] WHAT!!!

Jerry: [grinning widely, makes an enquiry] So ... did you have a nice wedding night?

Nick: [stepping back out onto center stage] Well we had sex 9 times if that's what you mean.

[The crowd squeals]

Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight .. Natalie is married to Nick who Katherine has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now Katherine has recently become engaged to Mark who was recently spotted kissing Natalie in Bargain Booze. Now on top of this, Kerry has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with Katherine.

Nick: That's right Jerry.

Jerry: [looking sternly into the camera] It's times like these that one has to wonder whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks - it's been great - but for now, take care of yourselves ... and each other.

[Cue cheesy background music and fade to black]


Hmmm... this is here in place of or to supplement this Ashtray Road fan fiction that may or may not appear. Most likely may not. Hope not!
15 March 2006 @ 08:30 am
We went on a tour of halls bars last night. The journey to and from the Carnibar was immense. In hindsight we should have probably started off there. Or even stayed there.

Nick and I neither sang at the D&R bar karaoke nor performed "The Girl Is Mine". I think "That Limb Was Mine" has more lyrics now though, but I've forgotten them. I can't play the guitar when I'm drunk. Hmmm.

I wholeheartedly recommend the tour of halls bars. If we hadn't been to the stupidly-overpriced-up-its-own-arse-can't-serve-the-right-thing-but-at-least-it's-some-sort-of-spicy-food Richmond Tavern before hand it would have been a very cheap night.
10 March 2006 @ 01:32 pm
It's not a good night unless it involves losing an item of clothing because of Katherine.

And our house theme tune actually has more words than "Bastards Together" now. Observe!

Bastards together, Lord
Bastards together
With booze that can't be refused
Bastards together, Lord
Bastards together, Lord
Bastards together in drink

There is only one rum!
There is only one gin!
There is only one vodka!
And this is why we sing...

Bastards together, Lord
Bastards together
With booze that can't be refused
Bastards together, Lord
Bastards together, Lord
Bastards together in drink

There's been only five rums
There's been only ten gins
There's been too many vodkas
And this is why we siiiiiiiing...

Bastards together, Lord
Bastards together
With booze that can't be refused
Bastards together, Lord
Bastards together, Lord
Bastards together - we're drunk!

Ad lib repeat to fade
I think this is Katherine's composition really but I can't do that circly copyright thing.

Oh yes, Ex Top Trumps. Anyone want to add a few more cards to the pack?
08 March 2006 @ 12:04 am
Dates are the new prunes, people! Just be thankful I'm not in your living room right now.